I believe many of us adoptee's misinterpret our adoption and feel rejected because of not knowing the facts or circumstances that resulted in our adoption. Which is understandable. My emotional needs where sadly not met until I finally spoke with my birth mother. This is so hard to put into words...Sorry in advance for jumping all over, my thoughts and feelings on this subject are so near and dear to my heart that I am all over the place. Growing up I had so many questions and I never thought in a million years that I would find her. What I did always dream of is having a sister to whom I could share sisterly things with. My wish has come true...I found out that I do in fact have a sister, and an older one at that! I am still trying to navigate around all of these fragile issues I have. What I can tell you is that, in the last few weeks of finding my b-mother I see life a little more clear. I think too much time has passed dwelling on things I didn't know and couldn't change.

I should rewind a bit....

I did in fact find my birth mother...a few weeks ago...after sending away for papers for more info on my adoption. You see, since having my two kids, I've been more curious. After carrying them for 9 months and then finally getting to hold them, I realized something very important. There must of been a good reason for my b-mother to let me go. I can't imagine a parent giving up their child. Growing up, I always thought of how I felt and never what she must of been going through. Which I think is only natural. I remember having discussion's in high school about adoption. I also recall the teacher telling me that I shouldn't be so angry with my b-parents because they did indeed give me life and a good one at that. Truthfully, I was quite angry at that point in time. And I didn't want to hear about my b-mothers feelings. And I didn't want to acknowledge her strenght and courage for giving me a better chance in life which she probably believed she couldn't give me. Lots has change since then and since speaking with her.

Finding missing pieces...

Sorry for being out of touch for so long.....I've been busy with kids...school activities...and finding missing pieces of my life story...

Where do I begin.

I guess I'll just start from the beginning...At a young age...I remember my parents telling me I was adopted.I knew that I didn't quite understand what that meant but by the look in my parents eyes I knew it was something big. Something serious. They sat me down and explained as best as they knew how. At the age of 35 now, I honestly don't remember what the conversation was between me and my parents. But I do remember crying and feeling somewhat sad. After some time I do remember feeling a little angry that this women whom carried me for 9 months didn't want me. I felt this way for many years, if I'm being truthful with you. Up until I had my own kids, I had so many mixed emotions of loss,trust,abandonment,attachment.I hated going to visit family members whom lived out of town because the day we left was always so difficult for me. Sadly enough I also felt guilty because I was upset with my grandmother when she died because I felt like she left me. My parents have always encouraged us to explore our thoughts, feelings. They have always been supportive in us finding our birth parents. But many of us feel that if we are too inquisitive, we may look ungrateful. The last thing I would want to do is hurt my adoptive parents feelings.

As a young child, I remember some girl taunting me and telling me that she knew why my birth mother had left me. For days, she would verbalize the reasons why she thought my b-mom gave me up such as: I was a terrible baby, ugly baby, bad baby. I cried a whole lot and thankfully my mom was there to comfort me and hold me. Still, I felt as though a piece of me was missing.

Kids can be so cruel at times and very hurtful. And sadly enough it has always stayed with me. Funny how we tend to let what others say really affect us. We need to stop giving people so much power/control over our lives. I know we were both young but I bet if you recall your childhood there is probably someone or some situation that you remember which is still embedded in your head. Even as adults we tend to let annoying people take up more mind space, making them more visible than their numbers warrant. You have to remember that anyone who deliberately sets out to make someone else upset is not happy themselves.Sorry got off track there for a moment.

More posts to come...My computer keeps crashing....
Please let me know about yr stories....

Oh MY Gosh....

Calling all mothers......

Good Evening to all...The reason I said mothers and not fathers is that... It is us...the mothers whom buy their kids clothes for the most part...and choose what outfits they will wear everyday...and it is us that fall in love with MOST pieces and have a hard time parting with them....I am now a mother of two: a girl and a boy...I was soooo wishing that my second child would be a girl...so that she could wear all the cute, adorable, sweet and girly clothes my daughter had. But I had a handsome little boy whom I wouldn't trade for the world....new clothes to indulge in.

Tonite I had the bright idea of sorting through the clothes....I thought it was time to give some to my friend, some to people whom perhaps need help and sell some...I started off well...I had one bag for my friend, a bag for whomever, one to sell AND of coarse a bag for me. YES, I said me. That is for my daughter when she grows up. I was doing well...The clothes were dispersing well. Until I started getting emotional and started hording all the clothes in the ME bag!! And then I started to remember her in this dress and those jeans, and that shirt and that pajama....And I suddenly felt old and felt like I was loosing my little girl...She is only 4 now but where did those times go...Perhaps this was not the best night....and so soon after giving birth to my second...Hormones do have a way of making things in your head go a little wacky at times! haha

Why is it so hard for us to let go of certain things. Just the other day, I was cleaning out a kitchen shelf and found a few sippy cups Hope drank from and thought...she doesn't drink from them anymore...she's too old...I'll just get rid of them....well...sadly enough...they are still on my kitchen counter!!! AHHHHHH
Why do I feel as though I need to keep everything in order to remember? Everything I need to remember is in my heart... YES, corny answer but it is true. It's not a bunch of clothes that will make me remember the found memories we had together...Such as playing at the park, in the pool, going to the movies together, laughing while making funny crafts...Your memories are a part of you, they go with you everywhere.

And if that answer doesn't help....let us not forget the hundreds of pictures we have of our children...These days it seems like every event/moment is captured on camera...Thank God for digital cameras you can take hundreds of pictures, delete them, crop them and take the best ones and place them in a book.

Life is funny...We tend to place to much value on things/material things. In the next few months I will try to get rid of more clothes...let them go to good use....Why keep them just to collect dust mites and/or go out of style while someone can be benefiting from them!! My mom kept some clothes from my childhood and I haven't done anything with them. They are really not in style...I did put a few on Hope and take pictures but that is really about it. So honestly, keeping them didn't really benefit me, I had a chuckle about the clothes I wore...that's about it!!! Back in the bin they went..With some of my babies toys which again...we really have no use for.

The one thing I am doing....Is keeping some clothes to make a quilt. I think it would be kewl to make a blanket with some of her clothes. Yet another way of keeping me closer to that special place in time....if it's gonna make me happy, who cares!!! On cold days, I will wrap myself in the blanket and keep warm in the clothes I put my little one in.

I am feeling happy that I can give some clothes away to perhaps people who need the help. It's always nice to give something back! If you have the extra clothes, look around you, someone close by may need some extra clothes. We all know how little some clothes gets warn at the beginning. And every little bit helps.

Buhbye for now...
Have a great day!

P.S If you see your child growing out of certain outfits...take lots of pictures of him/ her in them.

Growing up too fast...

Kids....
Being a parent, I've realized that things are not always easy....

Are kids first of all...grow up WAY to fast...and why is that exactly ...the logic answer is time..but as you learn it's not that of a simple answer. We as a society want our kids to grow up way to quickly.

We give them toys that are too old as infants, we perhaps talk to them as if they were much older than they really are and many dress their kids in clothing that make them look older. We also believe at times that they understand much more than they really do.
Why do we push our kids to be older? Seeing as we as adults would do anything to turn back time. It seems to me that exposure to television and technology is in fact hindering our children.

They in my opinion, are forced to endure imagery and real life that was previously kept hidden from plain sight. Kids should be kids. No worries and no concerns. Just yesterday, my daughter saw an ambulance pass by us in the car and she muttered that perhaps the person inside the vehicle was badly hurt or had died. Her father and I were stunned. Did she just say Died??? She's only four and already knows what cancer is? Which I think is incredible...but on the other hand, did I really want her to know what that meant? Should she be exposed to all this sadness of the world? I'm torn myself on this topic...But deep down, I know the answer. I just want her to play barbies and sing cute songs and think of nothing but lollipops, rainbows, skipping ropes and colouring. She's seen us watching the news and sadly enough saw when many soldiers where placed in the back of the planes in their caskets...and asked me what was inside the boxes. And I answered as best as I could. These men are heroes, I said. They sadly enough died and are now with Jesus, in the sky..amongst the stars. But was that the best answer? As parents...we are sometimes at a loss for words...WOULDN'T YOU AGREE!

We need to at times take a step back and remember they are only 3*4*5* years of age..still innocent and still not able to fully understand everything around them. Sadly enough, life is stressful and at times we ALL need to take a step back and remember that we are undoubtedly their role models and they look for us on how to behave in times of stress.

Not quite sure what brought me to this topic tonite...
Perhaps it was watching my daughter at Disney on Ice last nite. She was captivated. Her little eyes were glued on Tinkerbell,Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. She was so glad to see Mickey and Minnie..It was priceless...her eyes twinkled and for just a few moments I felt like a kid again..she had opened my eyes and I felt back in time...
No worries-no stress-Pure fascination and wonder. I felt free..Free to see things in her eyes-her perspective. Even if it's just for a little while!

I truly adore and love my kids...

They are truly my blessings in life!

We need to keep our kids close and at times shelter them from certain things...They don't need to learn everything at once.

Ta ta for now....

Remembering spring and summer...

Good morning all....

The weather has been quite lovely outside, a bit windy but other than that, let the sun shine in! Winter is fast fading away and spring is just around the corner...I can't wait to see my little garden..Seeing as though, I was pregnant last summer...and quite tired and not myself at times...I kind of went a little cut crazy (shall I say) in the garden...at the end of the summer season..I wasn't quite sure what to trim, cut or pull out....so I am hoping I did not destroy the work the previous owners did...because it was somewhat lovely!!! As I think ahead I am reminded of all the beauty spring and summer has to offer...the scent of beautiful flowers, singing birds,the smell of fresh cut grass, watching my daughter plash in the pool and much much more.

Two summers ago we received a riding lawn mower..Ladies if you've never tried it...don't knock it...I find it somewhat therapeutic. The first time we it put on...I asked Allen if I could try it...and from then on except for last summer...(which he was thankful for) I would ask to drive it...he would watch our daughter and it would give me time alone....solitude..a place where I was alone in my head....sometimes I would belt out tunes with my walk man...(which I always hoped my neighbours couldn't hear...yet if they could who cares..I'm in my own yard anyways) hahaha

A chuckle for Tuesday...

Breastfeeding....
They say that breastfeeding is a real joy for mother and baby...A real bonding experience. Some say there is nothing in the world more wonderful than breastfeeding your baby. Sure..I believe it to be.. It's also absolutely convenient for the child. You can (BF) almost anywhere these days. It's said to be the best milk. It is full of antibodies that protect babies from illnesses and yr milk supposedly has the exact amount of nutrients your baby needs.

Your MILK is always at room temperature. :)

Never too cold or wayyy to hot.
It's always on hand. Never runs dry.
You never half to look tooo far for it. :)
No waking up in the middle of the nite to make formula..or wash the bottles....or boil the nipples...and hear your baby screaming or crying because he can't wait for you to feed him.
You don't need to spend much tooo much money on bottles, formula, nipples, plastic refills for certain bottles.
No need to cram all these things in your tiny diaper bag either!!!! And forget them anywhere...

These are all great reasons to breastfeed!!!! Right!

But OMG.......
I Soooooo didn't think it would be Soooooo painful to begin with....And I don't mean painful where I want to hang my husband...no,no, no...just a lot of discomfort!!!
Shit!!! WHo am I kidding! Let's be honest...Your first tries are freaken painful...Your not quite sure what to do...How to hold him..they explain how to hold him and various positions like the football hold...WHAT the F@#$......football hold? Then there's the side lying position..which I personally thought I would squish him to pieces...LOL It's quite the learning experience. Then there's the issue of de-clothing him while feeding him...Yeah, like I'm gonna undress him, every time I feed him...And some times..your child may even look like his playing ninja with your boobs..or even motioning that he doesn't want anything to do with them...
hahaha

Did I forget to mention how Awkward it is!!! Then...as your getting used to it...that is your baby (NO NOT YOUR MAN) ( hahaha) latching on to your breast EVERY FEW hours...you learn about blocked ducts, mastitis, engorgement...
Like OMG..
Then I was totally concerned with...is he feeding enough? Which Boob did I give him last..Why does he seem to favor one Boob rather than the other? Is there chocolate milk in one and not the other? hahaha Does one look cuter than the other? hahaha

And we all know about leakage....Yes ladies.. leakage...I don't know how many tops I go through in a day...at home...if I don't feel like wearing a bra...and on occasion this is indeed the case...let's be honest who in their right mind wants to wear a freaken over the boulder holder shoulder as some men like to call them all day long???
hahaha

All in all....breastfeeding is a challenge...
But if you stick to it as a clever friend once told me...you'll get the hang of it...
You may even laugh about it at times...
When your nipples are hurting you all day long... or simply when you brush against them during the day ! hahahaha

Best advice I can give is:
Try to relax a bit...it will eventually become better.
Don't read everything online about Breastfeeding...it will freak u right out!
It's not rocket science..if he seems to be making swallowing sounds...your good!!
If you want a good laugh go visit this site...
http://mamaknowsbreast.com/2008/02/dads_and_breastfeeding.php
and watch the clip....




Ta ta for now....Hope I kept you amused if only for a few minutes...
take care...
Keep up the milking!!!

I'm back....and I'm ready to talk...vent and share some more of my life's going-ons.

I had my baby a few months ago...and everything went well...as a matter of fact things couldn't of went any better...I am proud to say I have a healthy baby boy...and he's very handsome!! He's been keeping us on our toes! I feel awfully blessed!

Life is so amazing when you are surrounded by your little ones. It's a good feeling. Kids remind you of how simple life should be even though at times we forget. Most often, we think life is so hard, when in all actuality if your surrounded by compassionate, loving and kind-hearted family and friends we should want for no more. It saddens me that at times it's friends whom show more kindness than certain families members! I am lucky to have friends whom really support and love myself and my family. During my pregnancy, this couple whom live down from us have really showered us with kindness. Sometimes, life throws us or puts in contact with people whom are admirable and considerate. If you've ever watched (Kings of Queens) Allen and I feel lucky because (Doug and Carrie) always go on...on how it's hard to find couples whom both couples like like...it's too funny...But if you really think of it...it's hard to find other couples in similar situations as you.

The one thing I don't understand is why some choose to immerse themselves in the lives of their friends rather than their own family!

It's nice to have people around you whom want to see the best for you.

Allen and I couldn't be happier...life is sweet when you let it. I still after 7 years feel I am with the man of my dreams...even though at times I want to ring his neck...gently.. haha

As I mentioned in my posts earlier on...women can seem to juggle more things at a times then men!! For example...I can..HOLD the baby...KEEP his soother in his mouth...MAKE supper...STIR the noodles...WHILE explaining to my daughter why supper may be a little late...meanwhile her father is outside s-l-o-w-l-y making his way inside from talking to our neighbour...whom should of also been home helping his respected other.. haha

AGAIN...sorry for my rambling...I do love my run-on sentences...

I tend to want to write too fast and then forget to breath!!!

(hope that made sense) hahaha

I did get much flack for that in high school. LoL

Well......that's it for now.....

This blog only took me a few hours to write....lol

Two kids=less time for ourselves.....

tlk soon...

Remember to be good to yourself!