I believe many of us adoptee's misinterpret our adoption and feel rejected because of not knowing the facts or circumstances that resulted in our adoption. Which is understandable. My emotional needs where sadly not met until I finally spoke with my birth mother. This is so hard to put into words...Sorry in advance for jumping all over, my thoughts and feelings on this subject are so near and dear to my heart that I am all over the place. Growing up I had so many questions and I never thought in a million years that I would find her. What I did always dream of is having a sister to whom I could share sisterly things with. My wish has come true...I found out that I do in fact have a sister, and an older one at that! I am still trying to navigate around all of these fragile issues I have. What I can tell you is that, in the last few weeks of finding my b-mother I see life a little more clear. I think too much time has passed dwelling on things I didn't know and couldn't change.

I should rewind a bit....

I did in fact find my birth mother...a few weeks ago...after sending away for papers for more info on my adoption. You see, since having my two kids, I've been more curious. After carrying them for 9 months and then finally getting to hold them, I realized something very important. There must of been a good reason for my b-mother to let me go. I can't imagine a parent giving up their child. Growing up, I always thought of how I felt and never what she must of been going through. Which I think is only natural. I remember having discussion's in high school about adoption. I also recall the teacher telling me that I shouldn't be so angry with my b-parents because they did indeed give me life and a good one at that. Truthfully, I was quite angry at that point in time. And I didn't want to hear about my b-mothers feelings. And I didn't want to acknowledge her strenght and courage for giving me a better chance in life which she probably believed she couldn't give me. Lots has change since then and since speaking with her.

Finding missing pieces...

Sorry for being out of touch for so long.....I've been busy with kids...school activities...and finding missing pieces of my life story...

Where do I begin.

I guess I'll just start from the beginning...At a young age...I remember my parents telling me I was adopted.I knew that I didn't quite understand what that meant but by the look in my parents eyes I knew it was something big. Something serious. They sat me down and explained as best as they knew how. At the age of 35 now, I honestly don't remember what the conversation was between me and my parents. But I do remember crying and feeling somewhat sad. After some time I do remember feeling a little angry that this women whom carried me for 9 months didn't want me. I felt this way for many years, if I'm being truthful with you. Up until I had my own kids, I had so many mixed emotions of loss,trust,abandonment,attachment.I hated going to visit family members whom lived out of town because the day we left was always so difficult for me. Sadly enough I also felt guilty because I was upset with my grandmother when she died because I felt like she left me. My parents have always encouraged us to explore our thoughts, feelings. They have always been supportive in us finding our birth parents. But many of us feel that if we are too inquisitive, we may look ungrateful. The last thing I would want to do is hurt my adoptive parents feelings.

As a young child, I remember some girl taunting me and telling me that she knew why my birth mother had left me. For days, she would verbalize the reasons why she thought my b-mom gave me up such as: I was a terrible baby, ugly baby, bad baby. I cried a whole lot and thankfully my mom was there to comfort me and hold me. Still, I felt as though a piece of me was missing.

Kids can be so cruel at times and very hurtful. And sadly enough it has always stayed with me. Funny how we tend to let what others say really affect us. We need to stop giving people so much power/control over our lives. I know we were both young but I bet if you recall your childhood there is probably someone or some situation that you remember which is still embedded in your head. Even as adults we tend to let annoying people take up more mind space, making them more visible than their numbers warrant. You have to remember that anyone who deliberately sets out to make someone else upset is not happy themselves.Sorry got off track there for a moment.

More posts to come...My computer keeps crashing....
Please let me know about yr stories....