Sunday, April 10, 2011

Good Morning....

After a good nights rest, a great night with the kids and enjoying a great bonfire, I see life a little more clear. Ever notice how we seem to dwell to much on things/people we cannot change? Myself included. I've notice for some time now, letting life pass me by, that I've been spending to much time worrying about people who may or may not want to be in my life. When Spring comes along we do some spring cleaning, right? Well I think life should be as so. We should cleanse our minds of all the bullshit around us. (excuse the language) Life is so short, and honestly, we all know the people who truly make a difference in our lives, they are what matters. I still can't get over the fact that for a long time I carried such resentment and raw anger towards my b-parents. But in one single phone call, my thoughts and feelings changed. Funny how that can happen. In speaking with my birth mom, I felt all the sadness and anger rush out of me. I heard the one thing I had longed to hear. I heard in that soft voice, I loved you and I thought about you all those years we were apart. I wished nothing but the best for you. My heart honestly sanked to my knees. I felt overwhelmed, it has only been a few weeks and I play that conversation in my mind daily and smile, smile whole-heartily. It is an indescribable feeling. It's funny how you can love someone without even knowing that person. Many adoptees think that since their mothers abandoned them, others in their lives will also abandon them. Something I struggled with very much. In many of my relationships still to this day I am somewhat freaked out about the people close to me leaving...I may always have these feelings but perhaps now they will slowly fade away. Being adopted has it's challenges. Upon hearing my birthmother's story, and learning the circumstances of her situation and the reasons she gave me up, I reached a new perspective -- I was not rejected because I was inadequate or because of who I was, but because of the circumstances in her life.

I am finally going to meet her this summer, if all goes well. And I think my birth mother will smile beatifically and welcome me with open arms as I will her. I am hoping she will accept me as I am, be proud of my accomplishments and enrich my life with her great knowledge. I am ready.