Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The desire of my heart. ..

What's the most powerful word you know?
Mine is Adoption.

A word which can be a positive or negative one for some.I myself was adopted
at a young age.
I have always felt extremely lucky to have been adopted by my parents. As I mentioned in earlier posts my parents couldn't be the nicest to people you could ever meet. I have never in my 33 years of life ever thought of them as not being my mom and dad. They have given me so much and I truly feel as though perhaps I was born for them and as such for me. They have given me such love and endless possibilities.

As it may have been said many a times, it's not whom has given you birth but the people whom have been beside you when you first spoke your first precious word, whose been supportive of you through thick and thin, whose embraced you countless ways, whose listened to you when you've been dow
n and whose been your biggest fan. I have struggled with mixed emotions of curiosity and at times anger and frustration. The one thing I believe is that adoption belongs on the ordinary continuum of human experience. We all face many obstacles in our lives and the feelings attached to adoption are somewhat personalized. Adoption will mean different emotions throughout one persons life.

Upon learning of the newly adoption laws, I am rushed with mixed emotions once again. Many a times, I have been haunted with the truth of perhaps never knowing whom gave me life than decided to give me up. I do acknowled
ge that we all have faults, we are not perfect and therefore their could be inexplicable answers as to why I was shoved aside yet I still feel at times hurt and angry as to how someone could have given a newly born baby up for adoption. Please do not try to argue with me that I should be happy that they gave me what they thought would be a better life because I am not arguing that fact I am simply owning my own feelings and expressing them how I see fit. I am angry, I'm allowed to be. Feelings such as these don't go away over night. Sadly enough I've experienced these feelings throughout my relationships with others. It is something that marks you for life. I do have issues with people dying and weaving in and out of my life because I will perhaps always have that hurt inside of feeling abandoned.

To be honest I would really like to know if I have siblings whom really look like me. It would be nice to know if we have the same interests, likes and dislikes. It would be kind of exciting to know they never lived that far away from me.
It would be great to know if I came from a big family. The fact of the matter is that it would be great to know lots of stuff but in opening Pandora's box, I would half to face the good and bad things I may not want to come to terms with. It's not an easy conclusion, it's not all it's cut up to be. We've all heard of many reunions with adoptive families which have gone smoothly but I'm sure we've also heard of some reunions going terribly wrong.

The problem I have now is wanting to perhaps no more yet I don't want to hurt my parents feelings. I don't ever want to make them feel as though they were not enough. I don't necessarily want to meet the birth people who gave me life but only meet my siblings, if possible. It's a really hard decision.........

Please feel free to leave comments.....are u in the same situation?
Let me know....