We are forever riding the ups and downs of life.....

Glad you dropped by again.....

This won't be my most chipper blog! 

Lately I've been feeling outta sorts...Not sure whether I'm coming or going...As a whole, I think I'm letting to  many things upset my balance. I feel as though I've been bouncing up and down emotionally between feeling happy that I finally found my birth mother, happy that my wedding is approaching and seeing how drained I've become with an overload of feelings of guilt, anxiety and too much stress. I like that line from the movie I Am Sam : "It's like every morning I wake up and, I fail. And I look around and everybody seems to be pulling it off, but I-I-I can't. No matter how hard I try. Somehow I'll never be enough."  I feel as though at times, I look at people around me and everyone else seems to be getting by without many struggles...when I know the truth is that we all have our own struggles. But it seems as though when we do hit a low in our lives everything around us seems somber. I know that I am blessed with beautiful healthy kids, a loving fiance, great parents but it just seems as though at times everything else is a mess...ever feel this way? As though, you try and try...things look good for a while and OOPS...things get clouded again...I guess that is the dependability of life. Every facet of life has it's ups and downs. We fall in love, we fall out of love, you get a job, the next week you lose it. The Habs win, the Habs lose. We clean the house, from top to bottom..just when you think it's done, you half to start all over again! Life would be dull without all of these challenges that we must overcome. It is how we manage to pull ourselves up and rise against these misfortunes that we learn how really strong we are. Still.......life sucks at times...let's be honest! But the next day, we awake and everything is good again!

Sadly enough, I've had to put my wedding on hold til next summer...and although I'm okay with it because it's the best decision, I would be lying if I said it didn't tear me up inside. I cannot wait to be Allen's wife...I am so madly in love with him!

Sorry you came by to hear me vent....Promise next entry will be a good one....All about my night with 

BON JOVI!! 

Finding Birth Mother is not about closure....

 Good Afternoon all...Happy Saturday...

There is something very satisfying in figuring out a mystery...don't you think? Especially surrounding the mystery of where you came from. I was going to say 'who I am' but I know who I Am...I have two loving parents whom I adore more than life, a great brother who drives me crazy but I wouldn't change him for the world. I have a man who adores me and I him and two beautiful kids. My life up until now has been great. I was raised with much love, warmth and kindness. I couldn't of asked for a better home life.

In the same breath I will admit to saying that at times I did question myself, my life,

Have you ever played with puzzles growing up? I sorta equate my life to being a puzzle...trying to figure out how the pieces fit together...trying to find the mystery of where each piece connects to each other. How the picture looks as a whole. Have you ever almost finished the puzzle and could not find the last piece?  Each piece is invaluable. Each piece matters. 

For me there has been such a great feeling of fulfillment. A serenity that has been missing in my head. I feel comforted in the fact that she is in my life now and that she is no longer just the women who gave birth to me. She is in fact, a friend, someone whom I keep near and dear to my heart and always will. She is a women who has strength and courage and who has given me the best life possible. A good friend of mine recently shared with me a story her mother told her about the two men in her life and this is also true for me... 

I AM lucky, lucky to have two women in my life. One who gave me life, and ONE who gave me a life..

Both have contributed to my life. After many conversation with my b-mom, I am understanding more and more each day why she couldn't care for me. Not sure why, but I really don't have any anger towards her. I just believe that God had other plans for me. And now we are back in each others lives. Which makes everything seem redundant. Things happen for a reason! As far as my birth father is concerned, I am laying that ghost to rest. I am not in search nor will I ever be. I am quite content for now, with the way things are. In life, we can't always have everything we want. I am at a happy place in my life and the rest will shape itself as it sees fit. For me, this journey has re-introduce that missing piece I have been searching for. I'm feeling blessed. 

The more people you can surround yourself  whom matter to you, the richer your life becomes.

Can you find the seven hearts?

Have a great weekend....

Take time to tell yr loved ones, they matter!

This beautiful images comes from:

http://www.planetperplex.com/en/item/7-hearts/

Random thoughts....

Thanks for stopping by... Hope all is well with you....

I am still amazed at looking at photos of my b-mother and seeing a resemblance. I cannot stop looking at her photo on my fridge, it just gives me such a warm feeling.
The more we talk on the phone, the more I notice everything we have in common. We worry way to much about everything and anything, we question God about everything and the list goes on. I cannot wait to meet her and see how much more we are alike and to observe our physical similarities/attributes.
It's been such a roller coaster ride lately. We all have wishes we hope will come true(we all know that not all of them can happen) but for me, this past month, I can definitely scratch a big one of my list. The one thing I cannot get out of my head is that when I was born she wasn't able to hold me, wasn't able to give me my first and last kiss. Can you imagine what it must of felt. As a mother I am now able to put myself in her shoes. I don't know what I would of done or if I would of been strong enough. *tears rolling done my face* She put me first, my needs first...how could I of hated this lady for so long when what she did was give another family a miracle. I know my own hurt, but never will I feel what she must of gone through. To have her in front of me, right now, I would hold her and tell her how much I appreciate her, and tell her that we may have had a rocky start to our journey but that the ending will certainly be much better, much happier.

If I can share just one piece of advice with other adoptees.....don't wait to long to search. I know not all stories have their happy endings but isn't it better to know some information, some piece of your puzzle then to keep wondering and go through life thinking you have all the answers.
For many years, I was angry and upset because I had it in my head that 'no good mother could give up their baby and that their wasn't any good enough reason.' After all these years, I was terribly wrong...sadly enough their are many reasons why a GOOD mother could give her baby up for a better life as sad as it may sound. Life is not always easy. Life is complex.
I will admit that when I do talk with my birth mother, a part of me still feels as though I am betraying my mom. Not sure how long that feeling will last. I know I shouldn't feel this way. My mother is my best friend. She is so kind, funny, heart-felt, warm, understanding and has always lifted me up when I need someone to be strong beside me. Words cannot express how much I love her to pieces.

In such a short time, I am growing strong feelings towards my birth mother. I think * smiling* this will be a a good time to just let things/feelings happen as they will...and not try to analyze it to death. I feel good towards everything that is happening...this is me letting it all in, as it may!


Here is a beautiful poem I found on adoption....
If you have time...
http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/sharing-poem.html

Have yourself a great day...
Awaiting the day to meet my birth mother....

Invisible but real...

Good afternoon all....

As one door opens another may be permanently closed. Throughout all this process I was always so focused on finding my birth-mother and to finding out if I did indeed have siblings....that I honestly never gave to much thought process on my birth father...Not even quite sure why..Perhaps because it was she that carried me for 9 months. I am not sure I will ever find him or know anything much about him. I can't say I have ever thought of what he may be like/look like. Will I be okay with never knowing...can I get through another chapter of my life with more unanswered questions. I don't know! Should I be happy with what I know and not be selfish! Is it my right to know...As I mentioned before adoption is challenging. I feel like I don't want to "rock the boat." I know that I have a sister but to be honest with you I am scared to death to call her. And I'm not quite sure why. I still feel like their is a chance for rejection. I want to yell from the roof tops that I finally found the women I longed for, for years....yet it is still so new and fresh...Even after you find yr b-parents their is still so much of the unknown. What if I say or do something that upsets them? What if I didn't turn out the way she expected I would. As you can see I'm still all over the place. I have met some of her family whom all seem very friendly and willing to fill in some blanks. They seem to be very accepting of me, which makes everything comforting. Although our lives have been lived apart, when talking with her I have found that many similarities do exist! I do hope to continue to grow from this experience.
When we do meet, perhaps it will be time to give ourselves, permission to feel and experience each others emotions.

Please feel free to comment/post a message....it's funny how when we share emotions with others, we learn more about others and ourselves...

Have a good day!

Good Morning....

After a good nights rest, a great night with the kids and enjoying a great bonfire, I see life a little more clear. Ever notice how we seem to dwell to much on things/people we cannot change? Myself included. I've notice for some time now, letting life pass me by, that I've been spending to much time worrying about people who may or may not want to be in my life. When Spring comes along we do some spring cleaning, right? Well I think life should be as so. We should cleanse our minds of all the bullshit around us. (excuse the language) Life is so short, and honestly, we all know the people who truly make a difference in our lives, they are what matters. I still can't get over the fact that for a long time I carried such resentment and raw anger towards my b-parents. But in one single phone call, my thoughts and feelings changed. Funny how that can happen. In speaking with my birth mom, I felt all the sadness and anger rush out of me. I heard the one thing I had longed to hear. I heard in that soft voice, I loved you and I thought about you all those years we were apart. I wished nothing but the best for you. My heart honestly sanked to my knees. I felt overwhelmed, it has only been a few weeks and I play that conversation in my mind daily and smile, smile whole-heartily. It is an indescribable feeling. It's funny how you can love someone without even knowing that person. Many adoptees think that since their mothers abandoned them, others in their lives will also abandon them. Something I struggled with very much. In many of my relationships still to this day I am somewhat freaked out about the people close to me leaving...I may always have these feelings but perhaps now they will slowly fade away. Being adopted has it's challenges. Upon hearing my birthmother's story, and learning the circumstances of her situation and the reasons she gave me up, I reached a new perspective -- I was not rejected because I was inadequate or because of who I was, but because of the circumstances in her life.

I am finally going to meet her this summer, if all goes well. And I think my birth mother will smile beatifically and welcome me with open arms as I will her. I am hoping she will accept me as I am, be proud of my accomplishments and enrich my life with her great knowledge. I am ready.

Lifes Changes...

Hi again...Hope all is well with you....

I don't think people whom are not adopted get how it can play a major role in someones life. It can affect us in our everyday lives. I have absolutely without a doubt in my mind have had a great upbringing. Life with my parents and brother has been great. I couldn't of picked better parents myself if I had the chance. But being an adopted person I always felt as though a piece of me was missing. Thankfully I never had to question whether or not I fit in with family. My parents are an open book. My mom and I throughout my life have spoken about my adoption, not in any lenghty conversations because I wanted nothing to do with my b-parents but I think I was also scared that if I questioned things too much it would mean I was unhappy with them. I guess the reason I writing this blog is to help me get things of my chest but also to perhaps help someone in their discovery of their b-parents.

I can recall getting in an argument with a cousin and him stating that I wasn't his true cousin which at the time really hurt my feelings but now looking back we were only kids. They say that after a while, you start resembling the people you live with...to this day people mix up my mom's voice on the phone with mine. We are so much alike. I always believed that I would try to find my birth parents after my parents passed on, but something compelled me to search a few weeks ago. Never did I think after a few shorts hours on internet and two phone calls later that I would hear her voice, THE voice, a soft voice which seemed to be in a state of shock as I was. I honestly thought there is no way I was going to find her seeing as my adoption papers had just arrived that day. That day has changed my life for the better. I feel as though pieces to my heart can re-attach themselves and be whole again. If that makes sense!! :)

Nite Nite for now....Feel free to leave me comments :)

I believe many of us adoptee's misinterpret our adoption and feel rejected because of not knowing the facts or circumstances that resulted in our adoption. Which is understandable. My emotional needs where sadly not met until I finally spoke with my birth mother. This is so hard to put into words...Sorry in advance for jumping all over, my thoughts and feelings on this subject are so near and dear to my heart that I am all over the place. Growing up I had so many questions and I never thought in a million years that I would find her. What I did always dream of is having a sister to whom I could share sisterly things with. My wish has come true...I found out that I do in fact have a sister, and an older one at that! I am still trying to navigate around all of these fragile issues I have. What I can tell you is that, in the last few weeks of finding my b-mother I see life a little more clear. I think too much time has passed dwelling on things I didn't know and couldn't change.

I should rewind a bit....

I did in fact find my birth mother...a few weeks ago...after sending away for papers for more info on my adoption. You see, since having my two kids, I've been more curious. After carrying them for 9 months and then finally getting to hold them, I realized something very important. There must of been a good reason for my b-mother to let me go. I can't imagine a parent giving up their child. Growing up, I always thought of how I felt and never what she must of been going through. Which I think is only natural. I remember having discussion's in high school about adoption. I also recall the teacher telling me that I shouldn't be so angry with my b-parents because they did indeed give me life and a good one at that. Truthfully, I was quite angry at that point in time. And I didn't want to hear about my b-mothers feelings. And I didn't want to acknowledge her strenght and courage for giving me a better chance in life which she probably believed she couldn't give me. Lots has change since then and since speaking with her.

Finding missing pieces...

Sorry for being out of touch for so long.....I've been busy with kids...school activities...and finding missing pieces of my life story...

Where do I begin.

I guess I'll just start from the beginning...At a young age...I remember my parents telling me I was adopted.I knew that I didn't quite understand what that meant but by the look in my parents eyes I knew it was something big. Something serious. They sat me down and explained as best as they knew how. At the age of 35 now, I honestly don't remember what the conversation was between me and my parents. But I do remember crying and feeling somewhat sad. After some time I do remember feeling a little angry that this women whom carried me for 9 months didn't want me. I felt this way for many years, if I'm being truthful with you. Up until I had my own kids, I had so many mixed emotions of loss,trust,abandonment,attachment.I hated going to visit family members whom lived out of town because the day we left was always so difficult for me. Sadly enough I also felt guilty because I was upset with my grandmother when she died because I felt like she left me. My parents have always encouraged us to explore our thoughts, feelings. They have always been supportive in us finding our birth parents. But many of us feel that if we are too inquisitive, we may look ungrateful. The last thing I would want to do is hurt my adoptive parents feelings.

As a young child, I remember some girl taunting me and telling me that she knew why my birth mother had left me. For days, she would verbalize the reasons why she thought my b-mom gave me up such as: I was a terrible baby, ugly baby, bad baby. I cried a whole lot and thankfully my mom was there to comfort me and hold me. Still, I felt as though a piece of me was missing.

Kids can be so cruel at times and very hurtful. And sadly enough it has always stayed with me. Funny how we tend to let what others say really affect us. We need to stop giving people so much power/control over our lives. I know we were both young but I bet if you recall your childhood there is probably someone or some situation that you remember which is still embedded in your head. Even as adults we tend to let annoying people take up more mind space, making them more visible than their numbers warrant. You have to remember that anyone who deliberately sets out to make someone else upset is not happy themselves.Sorry got off track there for a moment.

More posts to come...My computer keeps crashing....
Please let me know about yr stories....