Where do we draw the line....rude parents...

Hi all....Glad you stopped by.....I have something I'd like to share with other parents....

Let me know yr opinions.... Last night, at my daughters school...we all gathered in a classroom for poetry reading...First up was the senior Kindergarden class. As we were all getting settled into our seats...my son(15 months old, only walking now for about two weeks) was simply walking around us, not screaming, not fusing, simply enjoying the fact that he was up and walking....this is a school which welcomes all kids, even toddlers to come and go....My son walked towards a little girl in her stroller, she must have been around my little guys age. She had a little doll and my son tried to reach for it and the mother said no, my son kept going to the little girl and wanting to interact, mother couldn't be bothered, he tried taking her doll again and she placed her hand in front of his face and said in a not so nice voice, NO!    I was so taken back! Come on...Honestly! We were at a school function....around many kids going here and there...There was no need for such ATTITUDE! 

Any good parent, in my mind, would of gotten to her daughters level and actually tried to get the two kids to talk or even ask my son what his name was and be friendly seeing as myself, my fiance, and my parents where all there, sitting right beside her. My son was in no way pulling on the doll or even being pushy....
I was so annoyed and still am. What gave her the right to speak so coldly as she did to my son!
Have we become such a cold society that we deem in necessary to act this way towards others young or old. 

Just when you think you've seen/heard it all!!!!!

We are forever riding the ups and downs of life.....

Glad you dropped by again.....

This won't be my most chipper blog! 

Lately I've been feeling outta sorts...Not sure whether I'm coming or going...As a whole, I think I'm letting to  many things upset my balance. I feel as though I've been bouncing up and down emotionally between feeling happy that I finally found my birth mother, happy that my wedding is approaching and seeing how drained I've become with an overload of feelings of guilt, anxiety and too much stress. I like that line from the movie I Am Sam : "It's like every morning I wake up and, I fail. And I look around and everybody seems to be pulling it off, but I-I-I can't. No matter how hard I try. Somehow I'll never be enough."  I feel as though at times, I look at people around me and everyone else seems to be getting by without many struggles...when I know the truth is that we all have our own struggles. But it seems as though when we do hit a low in our lives everything around us seems somber. I know that I am blessed with beautiful healthy kids, a loving fiance, great parents but it just seems as though at times everything else is a mess...ever feel this way? As though, you try and try...things look good for a while and OOPS...things get clouded again...I guess that is the dependability of life. Every facet of life has it's ups and downs. We fall in love, we fall out of love, you get a job, the next week you lose it. The Habs win, the Habs lose. We clean the house, from top to bottom..just when you think it's done, you half to start all over again! Life would be dull without all of these challenges that we must overcome. It is how we manage to pull ourselves up and rise against these misfortunes that we learn how really strong we are. Still.......life sucks at times...let's be honest! But the next day, we awake and everything is good again!

Sadly enough, I've had to put my wedding on hold til next summer...and although I'm okay with it because it's the best decision, I would be lying if I said it didn't tear me up inside. I cannot wait to be Allen's wife...I am so madly in love with him!

Sorry you came by to hear me vent....Promise next entry will be a good one....All about my night with 

BON JOVI!! 

Finding Birth Mother is not about closure....

 Good Afternoon all...Happy Saturday...

There is something very satisfying in figuring out a mystery...don't you think? Especially surrounding the mystery of where you came from. I was going to say 'who I am' but I know who I Am...I have two loving parents whom I adore more than life, a great brother who drives me crazy but I wouldn't change him for the world. I have a man who adores me and I him and two beautiful kids. My life up until now has been great. I was raised with much love, warmth and kindness. I couldn't of asked for a better home life.

In the same breath I will admit to saying that at times I did question myself, my life,

Have you ever played with puzzles growing up? I sorta equate my life to being a puzzle...trying to figure out how the pieces fit together...trying to find the mystery of where each piece connects to each other. How the picture looks as a whole. Have you ever almost finished the puzzle and could not find the last piece?  Each piece is invaluable. Each piece matters. 

For me there has been such a great feeling of fulfillment. A serenity that has been missing in my head. I feel comforted in the fact that she is in my life now and that she is no longer just the women who gave birth to me. She is in fact, a friend, someone whom I keep near and dear to my heart and always will. She is a women who has strength and courage and who has given me the best life possible. A good friend of mine recently shared with me a story her mother told her about the two men in her life and this is also true for me... 

I AM lucky, lucky to have two women in my life. One who gave me life, and ONE who gave me a life..

Both have contributed to my life. After many conversation with my b-mom, I am understanding more and more each day why she couldn't care for me. Not sure why, but I really don't have any anger towards her. I just believe that God had other plans for me. And now we are back in each others lives. Which makes everything seem redundant. Things happen for a reason! As far as my birth father is concerned, I am laying that ghost to rest. I am not in search nor will I ever be. I am quite content for now, with the way things are. In life, we can't always have everything we want. I am at a happy place in my life and the rest will shape itself as it sees fit. For me, this journey has re-introduce that missing piece I have been searching for. I'm feeling blessed. 

The more people you can surround yourself  whom matter to you, the richer your life becomes.

Can you find the seven hearts?

Have a great weekend....

Take time to tell yr loved ones, they matter!

This beautiful images comes from:

http://www.planetperplex.com/en/item/7-hearts/

Random thoughts....

Thanks for stopping by... Hope all is well with you....

I am still amazed at looking at photos of my b-mother and seeing a resemblance. I cannot stop looking at her photo on my fridge, it just gives me such a warm feeling.
The more we talk on the phone, the more I notice everything we have in common. We worry way to much about everything and anything, we question God about everything and the list goes on. I cannot wait to meet her and see how much more we are alike and to observe our physical similarities/attributes.
It's been such a roller coaster ride lately. We all have wishes we hope will come true(we all know that not all of them can happen) but for me, this past month, I can definitely scratch a big one of my list. The one thing I cannot get out of my head is that when I was born she wasn't able to hold me, wasn't able to give me my first and last kiss. Can you imagine what it must of felt. As a mother I am now able to put myself in her shoes. I don't know what I would of done or if I would of been strong enough. *tears rolling done my face* She put me first, my needs first...how could I of hated this lady for so long when what she did was give another family a miracle. I know my own hurt, but never will I feel what she must of gone through. To have her in front of me, right now, I would hold her and tell her how much I appreciate her, and tell her that we may have had a rocky start to our journey but that the ending will certainly be much better, much happier.

If I can share just one piece of advice with other adoptees.....don't wait to long to search. I know not all stories have their happy endings but isn't it better to know some information, some piece of your puzzle then to keep wondering and go through life thinking you have all the answers.
For many years, I was angry and upset because I had it in my head that 'no good mother could give up their baby and that their wasn't any good enough reason.' After all these years, I was terribly wrong...sadly enough their are many reasons why a GOOD mother could give her baby up for a better life as sad as it may sound. Life is not always easy. Life is complex.
I will admit that when I do talk with my birth mother, a part of me still feels as though I am betraying my mom. Not sure how long that feeling will last. I know I shouldn't feel this way. My mother is my best friend. She is so kind, funny, heart-felt, warm, understanding and has always lifted me up when I need someone to be strong beside me. Words cannot express how much I love her to pieces.

In such a short time, I am growing strong feelings towards my birth mother. I think * smiling* this will be a a good time to just let things/feelings happen as they will...and not try to analyze it to death. I feel good towards everything that is happening...this is me letting it all in, as it may!


Here is a beautiful poem I found on adoption....
If you have time...
http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/sharing-poem.html

Have yourself a great day...
Awaiting the day to meet my birth mother....

Invisible but real...

Good afternoon all....

As one door opens another may be permanently closed. Throughout all this process I was always so focused on finding my birth-mother and to finding out if I did indeed have siblings....that I honestly never gave to much thought process on my birth father...Not even quite sure why..Perhaps because it was she that carried me for 9 months. I am not sure I will ever find him or know anything much about him. I can't say I have ever thought of what he may be like/look like. Will I be okay with never knowing...can I get through another chapter of my life with more unanswered questions. I don't know! Should I be happy with what I know and not be selfish! Is it my right to know...As I mentioned before adoption is challenging. I feel like I don't want to "rock the boat." I know that I have a sister but to be honest with you I am scared to death to call her. And I'm not quite sure why. I still feel like their is a chance for rejection. I want to yell from the roof tops that I finally found the women I longed for, for years....yet it is still so new and fresh...Even after you find yr b-parents their is still so much of the unknown. What if I say or do something that upsets them? What if I didn't turn out the way she expected I would. As you can see I'm still all over the place. I have met some of her family whom all seem very friendly and willing to fill in some blanks. They seem to be very accepting of me, which makes everything comforting. Although our lives have been lived apart, when talking with her I have found that many similarities do exist! I do hope to continue to grow from this experience.
When we do meet, perhaps it will be time to give ourselves, permission to feel and experience each others emotions.

Please feel free to comment/post a message....it's funny how when we share emotions with others, we learn more about others and ourselves...

Have a good day!

Good Morning....

After a good nights rest, a great night with the kids and enjoying a great bonfire, I see life a little more clear. Ever notice how we seem to dwell to much on things/people we cannot change? Myself included. I've notice for some time now, letting life pass me by, that I've been spending to much time worrying about people who may or may not want to be in my life. When Spring comes along we do some spring cleaning, right? Well I think life should be as so. We should cleanse our minds of all the bullshit around us. (excuse the language) Life is so short, and honestly, we all know the people who truly make a difference in our lives, they are what matters. I still can't get over the fact that for a long time I carried such resentment and raw anger towards my b-parents. But in one single phone call, my thoughts and feelings changed. Funny how that can happen. In speaking with my birth mom, I felt all the sadness and anger rush out of me. I heard the one thing I had longed to hear. I heard in that soft voice, I loved you and I thought about you all those years we were apart. I wished nothing but the best for you. My heart honestly sanked to my knees. I felt overwhelmed, it has only been a few weeks and I play that conversation in my mind daily and smile, smile whole-heartily. It is an indescribable feeling. It's funny how you can love someone without even knowing that person. Many adoptees think that since their mothers abandoned them, others in their lives will also abandon them. Something I struggled with very much. In many of my relationships still to this day I am somewhat freaked out about the people close to me leaving...I may always have these feelings but perhaps now they will slowly fade away. Being adopted has it's challenges. Upon hearing my birthmother's story, and learning the circumstances of her situation and the reasons she gave me up, I reached a new perspective -- I was not rejected because I was inadequate or because of who I was, but because of the circumstances in her life.

I am finally going to meet her this summer, if all goes well. And I think my birth mother will smile beatifically and welcome me with open arms as I will her. I am hoping she will accept me as I am, be proud of my accomplishments and enrich my life with her great knowledge. I am ready.

Lifes Changes...

Hi again...Hope all is well with you....

I don't think people whom are not adopted get how it can play a major role in someones life. It can affect us in our everyday lives. I have absolutely without a doubt in my mind have had a great upbringing. Life with my parents and brother has been great. I couldn't of picked better parents myself if I had the chance. But being an adopted person I always felt as though a piece of me was missing. Thankfully I never had to question whether or not I fit in with family. My parents are an open book. My mom and I throughout my life have spoken about my adoption, not in any lenghty conversations because I wanted nothing to do with my b-parents but I think I was also scared that if I questioned things too much it would mean I was unhappy with them. I guess the reason I writing this blog is to help me get things of my chest but also to perhaps help someone in their discovery of their b-parents.

I can recall getting in an argument with a cousin and him stating that I wasn't his true cousin which at the time really hurt my feelings but now looking back we were only kids. They say that after a while, you start resembling the people you live with...to this day people mix up my mom's voice on the phone with mine. We are so much alike. I always believed that I would try to find my birth parents after my parents passed on, but something compelled me to search a few weeks ago. Never did I think after a few shorts hours on internet and two phone calls later that I would hear her voice, THE voice, a soft voice which seemed to be in a state of shock as I was. I honestly thought there is no way I was going to find her seeing as my adoption papers had just arrived that day. That day has changed my life for the better. I feel as though pieces to my heart can re-attach themselves and be whole again. If that makes sense!! :)

Nite Nite for now....Feel free to leave me comments :)